I am hoping that these letters to and from myself will not appear in the print form of the book. I'm constantly carrying notes around, adding them to the site every chance I get. From time to time I'll write a letter to myself to either remind myself that I am better than I allow myself, or to ask myself what the hell is wrong. Then I can crumple up the pages, and the words will be out of my mind.
These letters are not to appear in the book - without further permission from the writer. These are here to get them out of my book bag, so they are not lost, or maybe they should be? Please make sure, if the book is not created by me, that these pages don't appear.
Another chapter
June 23 - "Thanks for the hug, it was heartfelt." The wall still stands, but perhaps for only a short while. Time will tell. 🙂
Me and My Dogs and Our Truck - A Love Story
03/22/2022 - this will be the story of our beloved Black Diamond Ford Bronco - so purchased for the dogs for size and hair friendly style! It's coming, next week some time!
04/22/2022 - Well guess what? Girlfriend, your Big Blue arrived! On Monday, April 18 a message from Stan Lovejoy at Classic Ford wrote to say that she had arrived. You were too tired, and the weather was too bad, to get to the dealership to take care of "bidniss". However, the next day, after work you rushed home, petted and fed the girls, changed clothes, put on your make up and went to meet your new ride. She sure is pretty. The test drive was fun. But how do you start the thing? Tonight she remains, getting all dolled up and ready for our final pick up tomorrow. Now the fun part - lets get the girls in it and go for a ride this weekend! Your hard work is paying off! Good thing because the price is ugh...steep! It's all good tho. You got this.
The insurance rate is as expected, but since you're keeping "Little Blue" you knew you'd have to pay for it. You've got some decisions to make about this stuff, but it will come to you. For now, enjoy her. And fix Little Blue so she doesn't feel abandoned. And drive her to work while BB relaxes in the garage.
And take a trip or three. Then get ready for school to start, because now that you've reached your 2020 and 2021 goals, it's time to start new ones. Proud of you!
PS: New license plate will be the Animal Lover plate with 4K9SNME.
Update: August 2022 - Big Blue is awesome, the girls love to go for rides. Especially Miss E., her ears poke straight up and then she tells the others when I whisper "wanna go for a ride?" We haven't traveled far yet. Both the weather and their 'isolation' for a while (three have caught a bug), they can't get overly excited. Soon, however....whether we go alone or not. Big Blue and Rudolph's Ruff Haus are goin' on a trip. No plate yet, school's started, the routine. But as one knows that my goals and I meet frequently. It'll happen.
03/21/22
Thirteen years ago today was the last time I said "I do". I feel indifferent about this revelation. It was only a slightly stressful day - much less stressful than the other two. And it was the one I'd wanted to work. I was finally independent, I was able to take care of myself - now I just wanted someone to take care of me.
Unfortunately this was just not meant to be at the time. The planets were not in alignment - in fact, they were bumping and crashing into each other.
What some people don't know however, is that over the years we have remained cordial, friendly, even helpful to each other - all from a thousand miles away.
I won't say more, except I miss the fun. The laughs. The bonfires.
Happy Anniversary
Date unknown
My dear friend Pamela.
Well, it's been a long time since I've written to you. Or have I even written at all? Well, alot has happened and changed since your big move. I don't know about anyone else, but I think you rocked that move. I'm sorry you lost out on some items you gave away and the money that went with it, but hey, you have to let some things go. Just like some people.
I feel you with some depression creeping up. And it's understandable. However, NOTHING really has changed since you got here, at least except for the better. You have reached goals you set for yourself! For the first time ever, you have bills paid and are not creating any new! You have money in the bank. Your spending could be better but you aren't being too frivolous. What you're buying, you're using or giving as gifts. Your house and yard look great - well getting there (late entry...looks fantastical), but you know what? You did it on your own! You moved it all, moved it all in, you unpacked it. YOU!
Yes, you miss family - but it's no different that you had before. You have family here now!
I know you're worried. Worrying yourself into depression. You can - and will - knock this down.
Get some rest today, move slowly, breathe. You have two more days off that you can get things done. But check this out. . . you have food in the house, your dishes are done, your laundry is done (late entry - it all still is!). Just water your plants and love your dogs. These things depend on you.
Yes, right now, those are the only things that depend on you.
Guess what? Today's Quote of The Day is perfect for you!
"Be proud of how you've been handling these last few months. The silent battles you've fought, the moments you had to humble yourself, the times you wiped away your own tears. Celebrate your strength."
practice link to google drive
test
April 20, 2021
What are you going to do about what's bothering you?
1. With regards to Molly (and Roya) - don't go out of your way to acknowledge either of them. Remember, if you can't change something, change the way you feel about it. Do NOT blame yourself for anything they do, they are both grown up and make their own decisions and choices. Unfortunately they have chosen not to include you in their lives at this time, so it's time you let them go - they are flying. You can too. Will you always be available? Nope. Especially when it comes to money and gifts.
But girl, you know you did your best - who guided YOU through motherhood but the critics? You did better than your own mother! I wonder, however, if the "critics" were right when they said "don't be their friend" because now they seem to have zero respect for you. I mean Z.E.R.O. and that sucks. But since they do not feel your pain, you shouldn't either. Don't discuss it with anyone anymore. Don't send their dads messages either. Just move on with the rest of your life's goals. If they decide to catch on, hopefully it won't be too late. You don't have many years left, so let's be happy with the ones you have. Love who you are.
2. Regarding your feeling of loneliness, what shall we do? There are many things you can do. You aren't going on ANY dating sites. ZERO. If you want to find someone as an exclusive partner, you have to know what you want. If you want to find someone, you must first take care of you. Re: loneliness, don't worry. Enjoy this time to get things in order.
Make phone calls to friends and family. Spend time with neighbors. Get to the darn gym. Socialize! When you start taking trips, you'll socialize.
When the yard is as you want it, start inviting friends over! This is something you can do. People like you!
3. Now, my friend, What are you going to do about this weight issue?
1. contact MD office re: referrals
2. start a diet journal. Dammit, you can journal everything else!
3. Make a cravings page --->> craving ---->> instead
Putting paper to pen helped me take control of my health.
https://prevention.com/weight-loss/a20511023/bullet-journal-weight-loss/
Probably the 2nd most important thing that has me depressed and a bit anxious is my weight and serious lack of motivation. It is bringing my worry back with a fierce vengeance. Why is it that I just can't get movtivated to do some exercise every day, even for a few minutes? We need to address this farther. It is part of a goal to take better care. You CAN do it!
4. All of the things you are doing or want to do around the house - getting a bit out of control! Let's make a list, get organized to stay on top, and get things done. Then you will concentrate on you!
This next year's goals will be a little different - alot of fun! And you will accomplish them just as easily (not that they were easy!).
April 22, 2022 - A Comparison
What have we done about what is bothering you?
1. With regards to Molly (and Roya) - Roya has been more forthcoming, more responsive to my messages; still doesn't much acknowledge the holidays; strangely when mom would say (about sisters) "i didn't raise her that way", I didn't raise my girls this way - or so I thought. However, all we got to do was raise human beings, not robots. It's up to the human beings to learn how to treat one another. It still breaks my heart that the only two living children I have cannot acknowledge one another as sisters. My third child has caused me less grief in all these years. And both Roya and Molly have always talked of love for her. I would like to say I don't understand. Then again, I have a sister that refuses to talk to me. Actually I received Christmas gifts from her this last year - but not from my own children. When mom was alive, however - we always talked and were together whether we really cared for one another or not. Why cant my girls do that for MY sake?
But Roya and Ben are coming around, slowly. As their homelife pace slows they may do even more. I don't know what to do or say about them. Being a mom has always been hard but...
I hope some day soon they will get to be parents, then they may understand.
However - Molly is another issue. I still have no earthly idea what I have done to her. It is not fair to me that she will not tell me, will not talk to me, will not share her most precious of all moments of her life with me. The only thing she has done since my last update here is ask me not to contact her and then deleted her email account (or blocked me). I've been told not to contact her or I may be faced with harrassment issues. wtf
2. Regarding the feelings of loneliness, just remember you have NO time for anyone at the moment. Unless you should happen to stumble across someone who would like to knock your socks off - don't bother worrying. Don't settle for someone less than you deserve. And don't give up anything you're working hard for to do so. Enjoy your free time, your own time, your hobbies and projects. Never thought we'd feel like this, eh? yeah you can be envious of others who have a partner at home - but then there is always the couple who constantly bickers and doesn't take care of each other, cheats, lies, fights..ugh. you don't want or need that anymore.
3. Regarding your weight issue....although you haven't been able to hit the gym as you'd probably like, you've done good. You have lost over 30#! you should be very proud! Just keep the good work up and keep the weight off while building strength and all is wonderful. You found the referrals, you contacted the doctor, you worked well on his advice. Now the rest is up to you.
Youve joined RallyCoach and Vital Wellness at work, you are doing more for your diet, you're even doing more to exercise at home.
You were right, putting pen to paper is really helping you take control of all aspects of your life.
and finally...
4. All the projects around the house. You accomplished alot of them. You made alot more! Continue to make that list, and continue to work on them to reduce the number. Then relax. You have school starting soon. Your house is cozy and pretty. It's not hollywood style, but it's yours, it's perfect. For now. However, homes do require constant upkeep. You painted the inside. the bathroom twice. you rearranged the sewing room. you remodeled the laundry room. you added hammock swings and a firepit and a garden in the back yard. The garage looks better. you even gave the guest bedroom (Brenda's boudoir) a make over. And, you scored and were able to get a new AC unit. Dang! While you would love some help with the rest, you saw what "some help" buys you. You can do the rest yourself. If not, and the project IS necessary, then ask for help. Just not from the previous person you hired.
You also hired a high-school aged duo to help clean the house, help with the yard work, and any small tasks you need help doing. That is awesome. Just get them to do a bit more, since you are paying them a bit more.
Now write those projects down. List them on a BIG sheet of paper, and start knocking them out!
Date unknown, 2021
What things do you want to do now?
What things for the house?
What things for the dogs?
What things for YOU?
Have a little faith in me!
What's bothering you?
1. Here's the biggest. Molly - what have I done? Why am I being punished and kept away from her pregnancy? It bothers me to no end and the "bother" seems to be getting worse.
2. Loneliness. Although I am not looking for a "live-in", an "occasional" would be awfully nice, might make me feel better about myself; Why do I need someone to make me feel better? Because human touch is incredibly important to my mental and physical well being.
3. Probably the 2nd most important thing that has me depressed and a bit anxious is my weight and serious lack of motivation. It is bringing my worry backwith a fierce vengeance. Why is it that I just can't get movtivated to do some exercise every day, even for a few minutes? We need to address this farther. It is part of a goal to take better care. You CAN do it!
4. All of the things you are doing or want to do around the house - getting a bit out of control! Let's make a list, get organized to stay on top, and get things done. Then you will concentrate on you! This next year's goals will be a little different - alot of fun! And you will accomplish them just as easily (not that they were easy!).
Date unknown but sometime between April and August 2021
Pamela, what's up?
There are so many things going on that I can't keep up to even finish one of them.
I feel like I am sleeping so much also that I wake up feeling out of it, and then I am still unable to get these things done!
What are some good things about you that you can congratulate yourself on?
You had three major life goals you set and accomplished this year. Life Coach Certification; New Bronco; No credit debt.
Fence put up, front painted, back porch painted. Inside the house painted. Great new job!
Now get the rest of your CLC DONE!