I remember the old saying "nurses eat their young".  I tried not to be that nurse, and I succeeded.  I do not eat the young, the seasoned or the old.  I have great respect for them.  

I do, however have a problem with the young trying to eat me.  Who gave them the right to speak to disrespectfully to me, not only as a nurse, a coworker but as a fellow human being?  

A charge nurse last week kept changing my lunch time.  First she asked, "What time do you want lunch?".  My answer when we are short handed is, "whatever time you want".  This time, she asked again, and I said "12:30."  That time rolls around and she calls and asks "can we make it 1:00?"  MInd you it's the middle of the night, i probably haven't eaten since 5pm.  I also haven't had any water or had the opportunity to go to the bathroom as I am working in an area alone, not even with a security guard who, when there, allow for me to run to the bathroom, get a drink, etc.  This night they aren't there.  Well, they pop in and say "are you doing ok?" because they too are short staffed and they care about me,  but if they come in they have to take off their weapons, etc.  It's easier to just check in on me.  I know they'll be here when I need them.  

Back to the lunch thing.  "OK, I tell her."  Gets closer to 1:00 and she asks, "how about 1:30?" Again, I answer "OK".  Well it gets close to 1:45 and I happen to have the camera on in their department, wondering why they are so late, and there are 4 people chatting at the nurses station.  Then comes in the 5th.  I'm not happy, I'm hungry and have to pee.  I can guarantee that they have had that opportunity, and I can assure you they've had at least one smoke break.  I don't smoke so I can't have one of them.  It's a no-smoking facility, but they don't care.  There's not alot they care about.  Anyway, the phone rings and it is one of the techs.  She got the job to call and tell me, "we haven't forgot about you".  Whatever, I only remember saying "whatever" and something about there being "5 people sitting there", and we hang up.  Within one minute the fat assed, seemingly uneducated fucked-up-teeth charge nurse calls, and she is blaring mad. Not her first rodeo, mind you.  She says, "now we're gonna have a talk.  First of all, who the fuck do you think you are...." then she said some other shit, including me sitting in my "little hole" while they're busting ass.  My ears quit listening, and my mouth said very little except "don't talk to me like this", and "we'll have to finish this conversation later", and hung up.  I was angry, I was fuming.  My little hole in the wall?  Busting ass?  I'm fucking bored, have to piss, and I see you sitting on your very large ass. I think I remember her telling me, "I need to be a team player and if I didn't want to I should talk with Shelly (manager) because I am.".  I'm sorry, darlin, I'm the most resilient, effective, happy team player if there ever was one.  That was just bullshit, and then to throw a threat in. 

And guess what?  It is I who gets in trouble for what I say?  How about she calls, especially since she is in charge, and says "I'm sorry, we have something going on, just hold on and we will be right there". 

Yes, I get a call from Shelly asking, "what can we do about this?" I wanted to tell her how I really felt, but since I was walking through a hardware store, I just cried and caved. I've got to quit that.

Honestly, everything was fine until this girl came back to work in this unit, is immediately a charge nurse (I don't care, I don't want to be one), and thinks she can steam roll over everyone?  There are a few she won't pick on even tho they bitch all night long about various subjects, or sit around playing games on their phones, etc.  You'll rarely catch me doing that.  But when my work is done, I look for clean up to do, sanitizing, window washing, helping others, etc.  When that is done, I'm here, writing.  Or reading about diseases, covid-19, etc.  I have even completed all of my learning modules that came out to be due by June 2022.  

I get along with everyone else.  Including nurses from other units, which from time to time I'm sent to work in (even the other hospital).  I get along with the physicians in the ER, the nurses and staff in the ER (it's not always easy to do), and I do well with any patient I work with , except for one, more on that later.  Even the security team know how hard I work and I seem to have gained even their respect.

What the fuck am I continuing to get beaten down for?  I don't do well with bullies, and while I hate that word, this so called "nurse" clearly is one. 

Maybe that's what I should have said when asked what to do about this situation.  I don't get it.  I say so little negative stuff, I do not get angry, lose my cool.  I'm patient, compliant, hard working, honest, and I'm a great nurse.

I've put in for a transfer to either another unit or the sister hospital.  I want to keep working for the company, just not in this area.  Yes, I get paid well to sit on my ass, but that is not what I got into nursing for.

My daily quote came to me a few hours ago: "Within the next week, God is going to bring something amazing into your life.  Something you don't even see coming.  It's going to be a huge blessing, bigger than anything you could have imagined." - Dhar Mann

Now, while I'm not a religious believer of such a thing, I would love to have something wonderful come into my life.  

I can kick this anxiety by working hard on my goals and actually getting them done instead of being a procrastinator, but unexpected gifts are a blessing  And I hardly ever ask for anything - only help on a project once in a while.  But that is the only help I ask for.  So something wonderful I don't see coming - would be a "God send". I shall not expect nor seek it.

That's all for now, it's 2am and today I am going to work harder on my self.  

With love.❤